Well…hello! It’s me – The Grinch who stole Christmas. Lucky you, I’ve decided to take some time from my busy schedule at Universal Orlando Resort where I can be seen tormenting the Whos several times a day, to give you my top tips on how to have a miserable holiday.
Since you’re reading this, I have to assume that you’re sick of having a holly jolly holiday. I know I am. I’m so sick of those blasted Whos! Always trying to spread their holiday cheer throughout Who-ville-Bah Humbug! Personally, I find it gross and irritating. So without further ado, here are five ways for you to have a downright miserable holiday, just the way I like it.
1. Invite the Entire Family for the Holidays
And I do mean everyone! It’s time to be honest with yourself: your family gets on your nerves. With their endless arguments about who should sit at the head of the table for the holiday feast, who gets to carve the roast beast and who should put the star on top of the tree. But the worst part of it all—just like the Who’s, they enjoy showing how much they care for you with hugs. I’m nauseous just thinking about it.
2. Listen to Carolers Sing Holiday Songs
What’s worse than listening to holiday songs? Carolers. Don’t get me started all that noise, noise, noise! Every holiday season, they come with a songbook as big as a schoolbook. These happy carolers will make your holiday just terrible. And, their singing will be most unbearable. Oh, no! I’m rhyming! Max, send help!
3. Let the Kids Play with the Noisiest Toys you can Find
Find the Jing Tinglers, Flu Floopers, Trum Tupers and the Who-Hoovers and give them to your sons, daughters, nieces and nephews. Let them play with them for hours on end. The noise will drive you crazy the entire time but their smiles will bring you joy and happiness – how pathetic. It’ll give you a massive headache that’ll last until New Years!
4. Give Gifts
Enough said! Giving gifts can be tedious, time consuming and an awful idea. You have to think about how much you love and care about the people in your life. You even have to think about their likes and dislikes. You have to take the time to go shopping and stand in long lines. The audacity. Why would anyone do this? It makes my puzzler hurt just thinking about it!
5. Decorate Who-Ville (or Wherever You Live, Including a Cave… Caves are Acceptable)
Grab all of the bingle balls and who-foo fluff you can find and spend some more time with the family as you decorate your house or your cave. You’ll be spreading lots of holiday cheer as you decorate with the entire family. Can you feel the love? No, because – just like me – your heart is three sizes too small.
I do hope my advice helps you have many family arguments, awkward hugs and enormous headaches during your Holiday Who-bilation. If not, blame Who-manity. It’s what I do. Now, please leave me alone so I can go wallow in self-pity on Mount Crumpit. Max? My sleigh!